So, "who am I?"
I am Sam Hunter. In this one lifetime, I am known as Sam Hunter. I accept the name I was given as an identifier of the being that is alive, well and kicking within this body vehicle I now inhabit. I know this like I know that I am currently typing on a black Logitech K120 keyboard.
At one point about 12 or so years ago, after living for about 46 years or so I dove deeply into mystical studies and the perennial philosophy. It was during this period that I apprehended the "Big Me" which I will describe further in a moment.
I will now share with you what once came to me a few years ago.
simply the ‘All that Is’
that found a way to deceive Itself
that It wasn't Itself
hid Itself within Itself
such that It might (re)discover Itself
alive and individuated
within Its self-created Magick Kingdom.”
The Big Me is just other words I use to point to the 'All that Is' mentioned in the writing above. Of course, I cannot say I know I am 'The Big Me' like I know I am Sam Hunter and like I know I am typing on a black Logitech K120 keyboard at this moment. But I treat this as a "deep knowing" when in reality, it is nothing but a current operational assumption.
So in my answer as to "who am I," I have three levels of "being." Level one is The Big Me. Level three is Sam Hunter. And so now I will describe Level two.
Level Two is the wish, hope and desire that an individuated aspect of the whole me continues on beyond the death of Sam Hunter's physical body. And if this be true that it is likely we could assume that same individuated aspect of the whole me existed before Sam Hunter and thus also lived through the life of Sam Hunter and through the story of Sam Hunter.
It was important for me to explain how I see "me" to be in order to respond to your question, Rose.
From the point of view of Level 1, the All that Is which I also describe as "the timeless, formless eternal one life" (Eckhart Tolle's words), it is possible to have the view that all is fated.
Even from the POV of "szource/self" (my own word which plays on the popular term, Source, twists it by throwing in the 'z' and then complicates it by insinuating individuation with the term "self") - the szource/self being my first step from Big Me into being individuated... at the very tippy top of Level two, perhaps I plan lifetimes and thus again, things may be somewhat fated.
At Level three I prefer to "think" I have free will. I "believe" I have free will though when I am fully honest with myself, I see how I have accepted limitations and in some cases self imposed limitations. But generally I operate on Level three and I operate under the assumption I have free will. Therefore I do not "believe in fate" at this time. There were times earlier in this current lifetime that I actually believed my life was fated. And guess what? Fate happened. I then realized I did not like accepting that my life be fated and I realized I would not respect some "creative source" that threw me into some odd dynamic where I was told I had free will, where I desired to have free will and where I operated freely even when I chose to adhere to illusory limits... I did so by my own will.
It was then that I started to see the depth of the programming I was under. It was then that I started to see I was in the matrix. It was then that I started to see that its not so easy just to recognize these things and then whisk them away. This is the place I have been at for some time now. Chico's enlightenment process with regards to sociopaths has resulted in an even deeper and even more brutally honest look at my Level three being in this current lifetime known as Sam Hunter. I recently became quite depressed about it and noticed a few days later that the depression coincided with acquiring a virus. Did my Level two szource/self place me in a position where the depression would be amplified by the virus for some "purpose"? Could that purpose be to increase the rate I toughen up based on this latest revelation the world I currently live in at Level three is run by sociopaths? Does that really matter to "me" considering my operational assumptions of my three levels of being? No, it doesn't. But guess who it might matter to? My loved ones, friends, neighbors, those I pass on the street and those I may never meet. And THAT is why I did not give up after all and that is why I will likely never give up.
I am also very wide open that all sorts of influences known and unknown to my waking state conscious being can and do effect my life experience. I often feel like a pinball in a spiritual pinball machine... where one flipper is operated by demons and the other is operated by angels. But also... that seems to make this game even more interesting. And yes, I do see life as a game. But far far more than just a game.
Frankly, I love life. Despite the heartless bastards. When I gaze into the eyes of my loved ones... my children... Cristina, my wife... I am nothing but grateful for life, even though a lifetime lasts less time than it takes a single grain of sand to fall in the eternal hourglass.
I am not well know for short answers.